Donald Duck in Maui Mallard/Maui Mallard in Cold Shadow

Let’s talk about the 90’s. Specifically 1991-94. Why? Because Darkwing Duck was on, that’s why.

And you know we're gonna get dangerous.

For you unfortunate souls who weren’t privy to Darkwing Duck, he bares similarities to this one guy based on a bat that no one’s heard of. Pretty sure they called him Batman.

Wait... who is this again?

Also, Duck Tales finished up in 1994. You remember Duck Tales, right? Started in the late 80’s, about some ducks on adventures all of whom are nephews of Donald Duck? And apparently Scrooge McDuck exists-- I know, I thought he was just a Christmas thing too-- and goes swimming in gold coins even though coins don’t work like water does?

Scrooge McDuck might also be a leprechaun, seeing as he NEVER spends his gold.

My point is that when the 90’s started Disney was doing a lot of stuff with ducks, which is weird if you think about it and weird if you don’t think about it, too. But you can understand why Darkwing Duck got a spinoff game for NES in 1992, right? Or why Duck Tales got a game in 1989 for NES? They were both relatively big Disney shows, so it makes a little sense why they might’ve gotten games.

So I guess while Disney was riding on it’s duck high-- and I never imagined that could even be a sentence, really-- they decided to make a ninja duck, because I suppose we were all just way into ducks at that time and there were no other interesting ducks to--

Oh, except for like, everyone in this picture, right,

So Disney created Maui Mallard (in North America). Technically, Maui Mallard is actually Donald Duck, except Disney seems to want all children to be stupid or braindead and so they consistently tell them things that aren’t true, otherwise they might’ve ditched the idea of making Maui Mallard an exact clone of Donald. (Male mallards have green heads and females are the same color from head to... butt. Also Pocahontas didn’t fall in love with John Smith. Thanks, Disney.) So in this game, I guess you could consider Donald/Maui a female.

Picture: Donald Duck

Despite our gender confused lead, Maui Mallard in Cold Shadow is probably one of my favorite retro Disney games but as it turned out it wasn’t really all that popular. This is surprising, because it’s actually a really interesting game.

Maui Mallard is a detective duck, because alliteration is awesome. Also, it gives him a reason to be wandering around in a haunted mansion. Actually, the reason he’s wandering around in the mansion is because he’s investigating the theft of the idol of a god, Shabuhm Shabuhm, from this tropical island he’s visiting. Because the island apparently was crafted by the same people that make all the rooms in every Indiana Jones movie’s secret sanctuaries, the theft of the idol starts the time ticking before the island explodes.

"OH GOD WHY DID WE HOOK UP NUKES TO THAT THING AND THEN HAVE NO ONE GUARD IT; WE WERE ASKING FOR THIS"

Maui figures he’ll look for it and heads to the mansion, which is where he’s told the idol is held, to look for clues. But it turns out the natives were just kidding and they throw him into a volcano to appease their god.

But it’s okay, because Maui survives! So the natives are still unsure about trusting the guy they very nearly barbequed for trying to help them, so they make him take a test of duckhood, which he passes. I mean, he survived a volcano, so tests are nothing! After that awesomeness, and presumably tons of high fives, they give him the powers of a ninja. By the way I just ruined the first two levels of the game. Spoilers!

When Maui Mallard becomes a Ninja, he’s called Cold Shadow, and can I just say that Cold Shadow is the most hilarious ninja to ever be? No, seriously. Look at him.

No, no, sweetie, the bandana goes on your head.

I’d show you Maui Mallard, but if you imagine Donald Duck in a Hawaiian shirt, you’ve pretty much got Maui Mallard. Oh yeah, and he has a gun. Right, that was important.

It's actually a lot like this one.

This is Disney, so shooting things with actual bullets has to be followed with birds playing in water happily or a song about how the opposing side is full of savages who aren’t like you and me which means they must be evil. So this gun shoots beetles, and apparently Maui Mallard lives in a world where beetles fart electricity and fire. Actually that’s pretty awesome.

I kind of explained the story and stuff, so let’s look at the actual game this time, alright? Firstly, this is a game about ducks, so, a la Howard the Duck, it’s more or less an excuse to stick ducks in places where ducks don’t belong. Man, that’s a terrible sentence. What I mean to say is that ducks are everywhere. You could make a game out of it, seriously. At one point there are clouds in the game that look like ducks. There’s also a duck statue in the beginning of the game, ducks carved into wood, creepy duck butlers who wander around, presumably waiting to bite your fingers clean off-- ducks are everywhere, all the time.

There's only three ducks in this shot if you don't count the life counter duck.

Speaking of slowly descending into madness, you have to pick up gold, rings, and an assortment of gems and jewels called Luau Loot. In the beginning of each level, the game will tell you how much you need to pick up in each level (usually in percentage form). I can’t tell you what happens if you pick up all of the items, but if you pick up at LEAST the amount shown in the beginning you get sent to a special stage. Of course, for that to even happen, you’re going to have to finish the level, which means that you have to beat the boss.

Why yes, that is a spider duck made of bones and a chandelier, how did you guess?

Levels are separated into stages, and each stage has a percentage of the Luau Loot that you’re supposed to pick up. It’s not really all that hard to get the right amount in the beginning levels, but as you move on it gets harder and harder, only because this is a Disney game, “hard” is relative. If you’ve played literally ANY other Disney game, I assure you that this isn’t that hard for you, provided that you understand that up does not equal down and that left is not the same as right.

Here, use this to practice.

Special stages are just you, slingshoting your way into heaven. So yeah, no big whoop or anything. The special stages aren’t really hard, but they are weird. After your Luau Loot is tallied up, you pretty much land on a giant stage with weird looking clouds and you throw Maui up as high as you can into the sky while also trying to set off fireworks. No, I don’t know what the purpose of this is, but if you beat it you get a password so you can start the game from the second level and not have to play through the first level (remember, this was before auto-save technology. And save points). All I know is that I’ve never shot off enough fireworks. When I was a kid, I didn’t even know there were special stages. This coming from a child who played so much Sonic that she hummed the music in order for all three games in the middle of class... really. That’s just sad.

The fireworks are on top of the suns and moons and the number of fireworks you need is in the lower left hand corner.

The clouds are platforms and the stars are what you use to fire yourself into the sky. And you're timed. So... yeah, that too.

What sets this game apart from most other Disney games, at the time is that this one is definitely what someone can actually call hard for that time period. All of you jaded kids nowadays who’ve played games like Kingdom Hearts or Epic Mickey might be thinking, “Disney makes hard games, we’ve played them,” but you have to understand that Disney back in the day made some pretty simple games... for example, they created World of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, which is difficult for about three minutes. What I’m saying here is, Disney made games for children and depending on your age around the time that these particular games came out, you might not find them all that difficult. This is not saying they made bad games, they were just... simple.

But that’s why this game in particular is so odd, because not only was it hard when I was a kid, it’s still kind of hard now. When I was small, it took me AGES to get out of the second level-- I don’t remember ever even seeing the third level and just so you know, I could actually get to the end of Battletoads, so it’s not because I sucked at games (even though I kind of did)-- and even now, as an adult-maybe-person, I still have difficulty getting out of the second level. Whereas I can beat World of Illusion in about twenty minutes if I take a break from the game to do something more difficult to keep my brain from melting out of my ears.

Level one? Oh, okay. Time for a break.

Part of the reason why the game is difficult is the good old switcheroo. In this game, you play as both the detective, Maui Mallard, and the ninja, Cold Shadow, as I’ve already said. The first level is only playing as Maui Mallard, as he has not yet been thrown into a volcano or given a test of duckhood. The second level takes place mostly as Cold Shadow, and he handles, at first, like a concrete truck in a NASCAR race. He’s much harder to use than Maui Mallard, and some enemies aren’t even affected by Maui’s gun, so if you really have difficulty with Shadow, I have some news for you-- there are levels where Maui is absolutely ineffective. ENJOY THAT.

But first, you have to change into Cold Shadow.

I LOVE IT.

Shadow’s weapon is a staff, which he uses to hang from the ceiling and other ninja-y behavior like that. You can switch between him and Maui at any time, but usually you don’t need to. There’s really not much to talk about gameplay-wise with Shadow, but I will say that the jump mechanics will make this a lot harder now than it was with Maui, unfortunately.

But don’t take my word for it, because I probably don’t know anything. Go try out Maui Mallard in Cold Shadow and tell me what you think!