A Day In The Life Of A Boutique Owner in Who-Gives-A-Fuck-istan (A Style Savvy Trendsetters Review)

Day 97, I think, since the day passes but it's still the same day, sometimes

Take that, fashion, I wore a bikini top with overalls and yet was still made Czar of Fashion. WHAT CAN'T I DO?

So for all you newcomers to my blog, I'm Orfea, the current winner of the International Contest and owner of the boutique Velvet Room, named after something I saw in a dream once that was way better than the life I'm living right now. 

Anyway, of course, as I do every month, I'll recap my entire life story for you noobs. I originally came from literally anywhere else and stumbled into Michela's boutique, the Mira Luna, where I became part time help and generally just did Michela's job because why not, right? As such, when Michela decided for no reason that she was just going to leg it, I took over the shop. Also, Emmylou was there, whatever she brings to this story. We dicked around in the store for a while, playing dress up with the customers, when finally Emmylou decided she also wanted fame and opened up her own boutique that I'm pretty sure immediately failed because literally five people in this town can dress themselves properly. It was then my duty, although I never asked for this, to teach people how to properly dress and bring my sense of fashion forward as the world's new fashion trend.  Sorry, I'm making all of this sound like it's a terrible drag when it's sometimes pretty fun.

Pictured: fun. Not the band, I mean... me having fun. Whatever.

From my last overly depressing and long post, I'm aware that a good portion of you think I subscribe to the gothic lifestyle and wear only the frilly, dark, dramatic styles that characterizes the genre, but I'm just not that kind of person. Of course, the inside of my shop really isn't helping, but I'd like to think that just because I like the idea of overly-dramatic, intricate, and beautiful design doesn't inform people of what they might find in my shop. I prefer bright, cheery clothes in stupid colors, or refined, mature outfits, or academic clothing. My least favorite style changes often, but you'll be damn sure it's this Boho-chic trend that has been flooding my store recently, followed quickly by literally every person trying to look fashionable in clothes meant for sports. Hint, hint: I can't fix your train wreck of an outfit with more items that the designers pulled out of a homeless woman's cart. Yeah, we're bound to find SOME good things, like one or two things that work, but you and I both know you'll still look like a train wreck at the end of it, so I don't know what the point of you asking me to make you look like a better train wreck is supposed to be.

These people can dress themselves. See any sports clothes? HELL NO.

That being said, I have been asked a lot in the comments if I'm related to another boutique owner in our neighboring city of Shitty-First-Game, and I'm going to have to go with "well, yes, I'm related to her, it would be weird otherwise, wouldn't it?" So, yes, Ru'a of Fool's Gold is my sister, as it were, and why yes, I did learn a little from her about becoming a boutique owner, which probably explains why the lot of you think I'm so good at it, although if the lot of you who can actually navigate to this page on a computer or a phone walked up to Michela and said you wanted to run a store, I'm sure you could do it too. After being bombarded with questions about Ru'a last time I posted, I felt like I should really sit my sister down and talk about our experiences as boutique owners. So I called her up, mostly for old times sake.

Ru'a expressed to me once, before I left Shitty-First-Game to come to this city, that she was surprised by the lack thereof of men in Shitty-First-Game. There were two males, Dominic and his butler, and as I recall, Dominic spent most of his time shying away from romances with Grace and Ru'a herself (and failing miserably at it, if I might add). There's something to be said about living in a city populated only by women who don't know how to dress themselves. Fortunately, men actually appear often in Who-Gives-A-Fuck-istan, although it still took them forever to show up period. And of course they Buyer Center was completely unforgiving with the selection of clothes for men, which is probably the most annoying part of having men in the city in the first place. But I have to admit that I rather like living in the non-apocalyptic city over the apocalyptic endgame that was Shitty-First-Game.

I will say that Who-Gives-A-Fuck-istan is far more beautiful than Shitty-First-Game... I mean, everything about it is, but what I like best is that everyone doesn't look like a husk of a human being staring blankly into a bleak future and getting just excited over new clothes because it would change the humdrum po-dunk post-apocalyptic lives they lead only ever so slightly when they look in a mirror, and indeed while it is possible to run into people who look exactly like those from Shitty-First-Game, I have to say that the fact that people's eyebrows move independently from their mouths and eyes is at least giving me the illusion that we're not all dead on the inside.

I can even go out and take pictures with people who don't look exactly like me. It's like a miracle!

On top of that, I think there's a lot to be said about how beautiful the landscapes in Who-Gives-A-Fuck-istan are. For example, our lavender fields are just to die for (in the summer) and have you been to the cake shop? It's shaped like a cake! Crazy. Also I do rather like the park and I'd be remiss if I didn't point out we have fabulous tea, but I feel like some of the architects from Shitty-First-Game are creeping over here and don't understand that we haven't reached the apocalypse in this city yet, which explains why downtown is so shitty and why the concert venue seems to just be full of cardboard cutouts meant to be human. But... right, so I was talking to Ru'a about the differences in owning boutiques...

Ru'a said that she liked selling clothing from a line called April Bonbon, which sounds absolutely adorable, and sure enough it's the kind of pop clothing one would expect from a clothing line with a name that sweet. But her interior design is much more of an upscale-luxury look, which means she gets clientele that don't match what she sells. I wish I could say I don't have that problem, but I get a lot of you gothic folk in here. I don't hate you-- I'm just saying I really do want to sell colorful things and you're giving me nothing to work with here.

Here, I've done the gothic thing before, and I've done it pretty well, if I do say so myself.

But Ru'a's actually worked with April Bonbon, which at the very least attracts their customers to her. Me, I've never once been asked to design clothes with Mint Sprinkles or Harlow Heights and I sell the literal hell out of their clothing. I guess Shitty-First-Game needs an injection of color more than we do in Who-Gives-A Fuck-istan, but... I mean come on. It would be so much fun to create some kind of clothing for a brand.

Compared to the vast amounts of literal nothing that goes on in Shitty-First-Game, I do a lot of stuff here in Who-Gives-A-Fuck-istan. I drink tea a lot, visit people at the beach and even go to concerts (although there's only one band that comes here, Satellite 55). So I guess I've done a lot more with my time than my sister has in her city. I also can do more than one contest in a "day", although "day" is a weird way to put it since I'm pretty sure the time between two full moons is exactly one month and sometimes I'll notice that the moon will be full four or five times in a row depending on how well I do in concerts, my sales, and even other things, like going out to meet people at different locations. I'm just saying I think I might be going insane or time-traveling, and it's weird that literally no one else in this town talks about it. Do none of you notice that months go by in the course of what should be a week, but it's still the same month and same day of the year? It's weird. Time definitely didn't pass as quickly in Shitty-First-Game, but at the very least it was more sensible.

But you're not here to hear me complain about this. I promised, of course, to show you all the life of a fashion icon as I take on the international contest for... what is this, the millionth time? I decided I might as well give you a photo diary of my day, sort of kind of, so we'll start in the early morning.

Unlike my sister, I have multiple assistants, but I usually pick Gordon to work with me. He dresses himself and doesn't restock me with absolute nonsense that I don't need, which I appreciate. I usually spend the mornings deciding clothes for the mannequin in my window. But yesterday no one bought the outfit I put up in the middle of the night for the sake of putting something up, so I didn't have to today. Fortunately, a customer came by and wanted that very outfit. So I sold it and put up a new one.

Next, I went inside and helped out my first customer of the day, this guy who apparently is in a band. He liked my outfit of the day (an AZ-USA outfit, so pretty bold, if I do say so myself) and wanted something similar. I of course made him look fantastic instantly, because that's just what I do. He gave me free tickets to his concert, so I figured I'd stop by before the contest tonight. But, weirdly enough, his group's name is Spinach Lemmings. What a weird name.

Trust me, you don't want to see what he came in with. This is how he left, though.

I then helped a new customer named Millicent, who commented on how cool and bold I was because I wore clothes that were bold. After all, clothing defines the person, doesn't it? She asked me then to make her an outfit of the same type. I agreed, because I'm a slave to money. But just to prove I can do whatever I want, I made a hideous outfit with a floral skirt, a plaid top, and a magenta tank so bright it's practically off-color. And she bought it, because I am a god.

Here's how she came in, she looks alright, right?

PFFFFFFFFFFFFF--

After that I worked on a few other people who pretty much just wanted hats or jeans or skirts, the most egregious of which was a woman who had an increasingly alarming obsession with the fact that she didn't usually wear skirts, which is something I thought young children and homeless men were privy to on account of them being young children and homeless men. Never mind that she came in wearing a skirt. But-- and this is something I can't stand, so literally all of you, stop this-- she didn't tell me what type of clothes she likes and I couldn't tell from her terrible sense of fashion, so I just had her try on things until mercifully, she just left (she did buy clothes, though). She'd never once been to my boutique before, by the way. Annoying. If you're going to come to my store and you don't even have a stamp card yet, the very least you could do is say something like, "I'd like to look like this" or "I dislike that" so I'm not left to look at the shambles you call clothing and determine what you like.

I thought she liked girly clothes, but apparently it was feminine clothes. Well shoot me.

And this is how she leaves. Beautiful? I guess.

I then helped two new people, mothers who didn't look like they were mothers because everyone in this city looks like a teenager. The person I helped was named Diva and her friend was named Rochelle. Diva asked me to find her an outfit that would suit me, though she didn't seem to know what she wanted to look like. So my first choice was to put this mother into some flirty clothes because I have no soul to speak of. But she actually liked it. Like, for real. Crazy. Although, to be fair, I really did like her jacket... I'm going to have to visit the Buyer's Center.

These two? Mothers? YEAH OKAY.

How you dress when you have kids!

And so went my day, on and on, until of course it came time to see the Spinach Lemmings (ugh, this name) at their concert. I didn't bother changing because I always look fantastic. But first I stopped downtown, where I ran into Teagan our resident photographer, who took a picture for me for Nuances. That's right, I now take up not only the cover and the must-see area of our fashion magazine, but I'm also the person who is wearing THE BEST CLOTHES this town has ever seen. Sad? Absolutely.

Teagan, just hanging around in the downtown area.

I met Gary at the concert venue. And the Spinach Lemmings were already done playing! Apparently he put too much faith into his look and not his band. Considering I was the one who put together his look, that blows my mind.

Apparently they sounded like crap.

After that, I decided to join the International Contest. The theme of the day? "An Asian-inspired look-- from head to toe." I have a theory with this theme and it goes thus: Asians only wear kimonos. I know that this is true because I have never once lost with a kimono. Never ever. To further the racism win, I also went for the double bun hairstyle and the makeup set called Eastern Promise. So there you go, my most racist outfit ever made. Because racism wins these things. I entered with Angelina, a model I worked with and won with 6 times now because I know how to put clothes on other people. 

MC Mode, the man who introduces every contest, looks as silly as usual, as you can see...

Why, exactly, do we let this guy tell us what looks good and what doesn't?

First up? Stylist Juliana with the model Lilianna, whose eyes really creep me out. Of course they got fourth-- Julianna's love of socks and sandals has never gotten her anywhere-- and I'm concerned with the color combination of green, red, and gold with the cheongsam dress that matches but has nothing to do with the green Julianna chose.

Her eyes aren't that creepy in this picture... but trust me, her eyes are creepy!

Stylist Luka was next, with the model Roberta. I do like Roberta a lot, and I was unsurprised when they won second because Roberta actually looked good in what she was wearing. If Luka had changed Roberta's hair to not an afro, maybe they might've been a threat to me. But the pink/purple/brown motif looks really good on Roberta.

Powerhumping the air is standard for these functions.

Then there was stylist Padma with model Cailyn, who I like but I've never actually worked with. She does look silly in Padma's color trainwreck, mostly because there's too much color and too many complex designs in her clothing. They came in third.

OH GOD THE COLORS

Then, of course there was Angelina and me.. And of course I FUCKING WON. Like I said, just straight up racism will win this contest. I have no shame. So with $5,000 more in my pocket, I stepped back out into the night and ignored the party at the hotel to write this blog. You're welcome.

You're damn right I went for the most racist everything ever and won.

So, with that, I leave you. I'm going to get back to my job-- you know doing all that stuff I just said? So I'll see you guys when I see you guys. Later.

Golden Sun: Dark Dawn (A Game Summary in a Terrible Not-Actually Script Format)

This is a very brief summary of what happens in Golden Sun: Dark Dawn with spoilers literally out the butt. Reading this without having played Golden Sun or Golden Sun: The Lost Age? Okay, here's the list o' characters:

Warriors of Vale (A group of children who saved the world, known as Weyard):
Issac
Garet
Ivan
Mia
Felix
Jenna
Sheba
Piers
Kraden

Literally everyone in Weyard knows of the Warriors of Vale (if not their names, then at least their actions).

The only (consistent) antagonist is Alex.

I tried to make sure it was put together with as much care and loving as Dark Dawn itself was. As such, I haven't explained anything and at every turn someone will be saying something extremely stupid or extremely obvious. Also I've made sure to keep the objective of the mission completely hidden and to make all the transitions as lame as possible. I'll do my best to make sure it's as true to the game as possible by making fun of it at every turn. Go!

Narrator: 30 years after the Warriors of Vale saved Weyard...

Issac: Matthew, I used to be afflicted with Avatar-itis too. The best way to fix it is to generally agree with everything that everyone around you says. You know, that also makes you pretty good leader material. Oh, here comes Garet and Tyrell.

Garet: Hey, we'll be in this for like two seconds even though technically, we could solve the coming problems on our own!

Tyrell: There are going to be problems?

Issac: Tons.

Garet: Yeah seriously, it's about to be a whole different world. Also, We've gotta get this plot going, so for no reason, here's Karis.

Karis: My dad's Ivan.

Tyrell: Who's Ivan?

Name: Ivan
Element: Jupiter (Wind)
Warrior of Vale (i.e., saved the world)
At 15 years old, he was the most gifted Jupiter Adept in all of Weyard

Matthew: ...

Issac: What's this invention here?

Karis: It's called the Soarwing. My dad made it.

Tyrell: S'okay if I break it?

Karis: Don't see why not.

-breaks the soarwing-

Karis: GOD DAMN IT HE BROKE IT

Garet: *sniff* just like your old man.

Issac: You wanna go get him?

Garet: No, leave him. Me and his nameless mother can make another one.

Karis: But the soarwing!

Garet: Fine... whiny brat.

-Saves Tyrell, runs into psyenergy vortex and plant boss-

Issac: OH MY GOD A REPERCUSSION OF WHAT WE DID 30 YEARS AGO!

Garet: OH SHIT

Tyrell: Are you guys going to fix it?

Issac: ...nah, it'll work itself out.

-defeats plant boss-

Issac: Looks like a major component of this is plucking a feather off of an endangered species. Fortunately one lives like right over there. Why don't you kids go get it?

Tyrell: But you're an adult. Why don't you?

Issac: Because I need a drink. Garet?

Garet: YES.

Issac: Also, I'm going to call Kraden, you know, with like... my mind or something. So you should meet up with him when you're done with this bird thing.

Karis: Who's Kraden?

Name: Kraden
Occupation: Scholar
Warrior of Vale (i.e. saved the world)

Tyrell: Matthew, do you know?

Matthew: ...

Tyrell: Yeah, I liked that episode of Whose Line too.

-Meets Kraden, Rief, and Nowell-

Kraden: I'm Kraden.

Karis: Who's Kraden?

STILL TOTALLY SAVED THE WORLD AND SHIT

Kraden: Me, I'm Kraden.

Tyrell: You're ancient, but not THAT ancient.

Kraden: Yeah, immortality and all that jazz.

Karis: Oh. Well, I'm Karis. My father's Ivan.

Tyrell: Who's Ivan?

Inheritor of the powers of an ancient tribe of Jupiter Adepts
STILL TOTALLY ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO SAVED THE WORLD AND SHIT

-silence-

Karis: This is Tyrell. And that's Matthew.

Rief: I'm Reif. My mother's Mia.

Tyrell: Who's Mia?

Name: Mia
Element: Mercury (Water)
Warrior of Vale (i.e. saved the world)
Powerful adept beaten only by Alex, the previous game's antagonist

-silence-

Nowell: I'm Nowell and I'm in love with Piers.

Karis: Who's Piers?

Name: Piers
Element: Mercury (Water)
Warrior of Vale
Only known Lemurian (a race thought to be extinct) living today.

-silence-

Rief: OH NO SOLDIERS I'M CAPTURED!

Matthew: ...

Karis: I don't have a love interest.

Tyrell: Well, I think--

Karis: SHUT UP AND STOP THINKING, MATTHEW IS OUR LEADER

Tyrell: But Matthew doesn't talk!

Karis: BUT I LOVE HIM

Tyrell: Wait, what?

Karis: No, I don't love him, but he's still the leader.

Matthew: ...

Kraden: We have to stop them and get Rief back! Quit having love interests or maybe not having love interests and let's go after Rief! ... Actually, nah, you go after Rief, I'm gonna go with Nowell to Morgal. Catch y'all bitches later!

Nowell: I'm still in love with Piers.

Blados: I'm part of the Tuaparang. Supposedly we're lead by Felix, but no one ever mentions that.

Tyrell: Who's Felix?

Name: Felix
Element: Venus (Earth)
Warrior of Vale (i.e. saved the world)
Literally the protagonist of Golden Sun: The Lost Age

Blados: IT DOESN'T MATTER FIGHT ME

-fights-

Blados: Choose an exit and we'll free your little friend.

Karis: Well, this is the only one we can take, but what if they kill Rief?

Tyrell: Wait, who's Rief?

-saves Rief-

Rief: Well, let's go to Morgal and meet up with Kraden.

Matthew: ...

Tyrell: I agree, it would be a good idea to blindly go after him since apparently we can't go back home and get our much more experienced parents.

-Reaches Passaj-

Rief: Ah, the ancient Alchemy Forge that no one knew about until 30 years ago, when it was either built or unearthed.

Karis: So... not ancient?

Rief: SHUT UP AND LET'S GO TO MORGAL

Random townsperson: Well, we need this thing called the Sol Mask to operate the forge, but we don't have it. It's in Kaocho. But once we have it we can pretty much just send you to Morgal. Fetch quest FTW

Tyrell: What? How do you NOT HAVE IT?

Random townsperson: I don't... I mean, it's not MY FAULT personally...

Karis: You guys wanna just go get it?

Rief: Might as well.

-Goes to Kaocho-

Chalis: I'm Chalis and I'm part of the Tuaparang. We're led by Felix, maybe.

Rief: Who's Felix?

Older brother of Jenna, Matthew's mother.
STILL TOTALLY SAVED THE WORLD AND SHIT

Tyrell: We want the Sol Mask.

Chalis: So do I. It's in the Ouroboros.

Tyrell: Seriously?

Karis: How do we get in?

Chalis: You go to Ayuthay and get a key.

Tyrell: So you can't just HAVE the key. Why is there a key to this place?

Chalis: I'll tell the king you can do it.

Karis: But I don't want to.

Chalis: TRAITORS

Reif: Wait, what just happened? How are we traitors? We're just kids who want to get to Morgal and WHY IS THE MASK FOR SOMETHING NEARLY A CONTINENT AWAY OVER HERE?!

-locked in the Oroboros-

Tyrell: Oh, look. An exit.

-Ayuthay-

Amiti: I'm Amiti. I'm a prince and also the son of Alex, maybe.

Rief: Who's Alex?

Name: Alex
Element: Mercury (Water)
Literally the antagonist for the Golden Sun games on GBA

Amiti: I'll help you for the low low fee of getting me the hell outta here.

Karis: But you're not the boss of us, okay?

Amiti: I know, it's this guy who hasn't said a word yet.

Matthew: ...

Tyrell: Dude, I LOVED that movie. Crazy special effects, right?

Amiti: anyway, let's go to Te Rya, they have bitchin' parties. Also you want to go to Morgal, right? So let's do that.

-Te Rya-

Ryu Kou: BELINSK WAS FOUNDED BY ANIMAL PEOPLE

Rief: You know, way back in the day there was a village made up of just werewolves.

Karis: How uninteresting I find that. Don't go on.

Rief: I'm just saying that an entire sub continent of animal people is like a REALLY weird thing when not even a century ago there was only one set of animal people who were pretty much murdered on the spot if people saw them.

Tyrell: You know what else is really weird? You not shutting up.

-Belinsk-

Karis: Welp, no Kraden. This was pointless.

Sveta: I'm Sveta and I'm not related to any of the warriors of Vale because I'm a beastman.

Tyrell: Oh, that's cool.

Sveta: Also I can read minds.

Karis: What am I thinking?

Sveta: You're trying to kill the Mountain Roc? YOU BASTARDS.

Tyrell: Actually, we just wanted a feather, so--

Sveta: BASTARDS!

Rief: Well, I guess we should go to Port Rago?

Tyrell: Why?

Karis: Yeah seriously, why?

Rief: Maybe Kraden went there?

Tyrell: Good enough.

-Port Rago-

Briggs: I have to be like a million years old but I am  trying to save my 30 year old son from Belinsk. I met Felix in the Lost Age.

Tyrell: Who's Felix?

Had a captivating storyline that made him an anti-hero in the original Golden Sun.
STILL JENNA'S OLDER BROTHER, SO HOW DOES MATTHEW NOT KNOW WHO HE IS
STILL TOTALLY SAVED THE WORLD

Matthew: ...

Tyrell: Man, dude, you crack me UP!

Karis: Yeah, let's go to Kolima Forest, which is close to here for no explicable reason.

-Kolima Forest-

Tret: Matthew...Your father is Issac and your mother is Jenna.

Matthew: ...

Tyrell: Who are those people?

Name: Jenna
Element: Mars (Fire)
Warrior of Vale (i.e. saved the world)
Matthew's mother and most technical Mars Adept in Weyard

Laurel: Wait, you should go activate this thing in Belinsk. I hear it's a pretty cool guy. It's like, ruins under Belinsk.

Reif: Ancient ruins?

Laurel: I don't fucking know. Just do it.

Karis: Yeah, okay.

Tret: Amiti and Rief are distantly related.

Amiti: Is that tree talking to us?

Reif: Dunno, I've been smoking since we got here.

Laurel: Wait, guys! I meant DON'T activate that thing under Belinsk! Don't! It'd cause an apocalypse!

Everyone but Matthew: Okayyyyy!

Reif: Hey, so... want to go activate some ruins under Belinsk?

Karis: Chekov's gun, amirite?

-Talon Peak-

Ryu Kou: SVETA'S THE YOUNGER SISTER OF THE KING OF MORGAL AND SHE'S LOOKING FOR A MEANS FOR YOU TO GET TO THE MOUNTAIN ROC

Matthew: ...

Tyrell: OH MY GOD, I didn't realize Snape killed Dumbledore! Dude. CRAZY.

Amiti: Want to help us get the feather?

Ryu Kou: ONLY IF I'M ALLOWED TO BETRAY YOU AFTERWARDS

Karis: What kind of game would this be if you DIDN'T?

-Mountain Roc defeated! Feather get! Magma orb get!-

Blados: Betray your friends, Ryu Kou

Ryu Kou: YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN I SAID I'D BETRAY YOU TOTALLY DOING IT BYE

Chalis: AH HA HA HA HA

Tyrell: MY GOD

Matthew: ...

Tyrell: You're right, I do find the portrayal of women in today's media quite appalling, Matthew.

Karis: But... on topic... WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED RYU KOU WOULD BETRAY US!?

Amiti: I know I didn't see that coming at all!

Karis: Well, now that he has the Magma orb, what do we do?

Tyrell: Weed?

Amiti: Wait, let's stop them from doing bad stuff like heroes!

Rief: Genius! But how?

Amiti: The magma orb activates that thing we want to activate, right? So let's go see if they activate it.

Tyrell: I thought the tree said not to activate it.

Rief: Yeah, but Chekov's gun, remember?

Tyrell: Right! Okay, let's go activate that thing!

Karis: But wait.

Amiti: What?

Karis: We need music. First let's reunite a band.

Tyrell: Yeah, I really like that plan.

-Belinsk, Underground Ruins-

Karis: The ruins! Let's go!

Arcanus: Ah ha ha! I am Arcanus, also known as Alex. I tricked Ryu Kou into activating these ruins also known as the Alchemy Dynamo! I AM YOUR FATHER, AMITI

Amiti: Nooo... that's not true! That's impossible!

Arcanus: Search your feelings, young one!

Tyrell: Sorry, but who is Alex?

Forced the hands of literally every single Warrior of Vale.
Pretty much the ONLY villain the Warriors of Vale had to face constantly.

Arcanus: This place is a lighthouse, except that it's really not. It's a tower and now for the Grave Eclipse.

-City of Belinsk-

Ryu Kou: I WAS TRICKED AND NOW MY QUEST TO SAVE MY GIRLFRIEND OR AVENGE MY MASTER OR WHATEVER CAN NEVER BE COMPLETED

Karis: Here's your girlfriend. Get out of here.

Tyrell: Oh, shit. There's Briggs!

Briggs: I'll save you, Eoleo! *dies*

Eoleo: MY FATHER'S DEAD

Briggs: SHUT UP SON I DON'T CARE

Volechek: The kingdom is destroyed. Sveta, take this orb that may save the world, I'll stay here.

Sveta: Gotcha.

Kraden: I'm here now!

Rief: What the fu--

Kraden: Nowell is sailing with Piers.

Rief: Who's Piers?

Only Warrior class Mercury Adept in-game
STILL SAVED THE WORLD AND SHIT

Eoleo: Matthew, you seem like you know what you're doing. I'm a pirate and this is my dad's ship AND he's dead, but... why don't you be the captain?

Matthew: ...

Tyrell: It is pretty hard to find your niche porn online, you're right, Matthew.

Kraden: Let me save you a bunch of trouble and tell you the only way to stop this thing is the Apollo Lens. It's ancient, but I only heard about it like, JUST NOW.

Karis: I think that old man said something, but let's travel the world for no real reason.

Tyrell: Okay.

-Izumo-

Kushinada: I am Kushinada. My wife and I met because of Felix and now we have a daughter.

Amiti: Who's Felix?

Possibly one of the most powerful adepts period in Weyard.
STILL JENNA'S OLDER BROTHER, SERIOUSLY MATTHEW WHAT THE FUCK
STILL TOTALLY SAVED THE WORLD AND ALL THAT SHIT

Himi: Go get the Umbra Gears.

Tyrell: What's that?

Himi: Ancient armor that appeared 30 years ago.

Karis: So... not ancient?

Himi: SHUT UP AND GO GET IT.

-Endless Wall-

Reif: This is the endless wall.

Tyrell: But we're at the end of it.

Reif: FIGURE. OF. SPEECH.

Eoleo: Look, it's that blue haired guy again.

Arcanus: I'm Alex.

Himi: Who's Alex?

Mia's cousin, probably.
STILL THE MAIN ANTAGONIST OF THE SERIES

Chaos Hound: *roars*

Sveta: LET'S KILL IT OH SHIT IT'S MY BROTHER

Matthew: ...

Sveta: You're right. I'll die now so that I can atone for his sins.

Volechek: No! *dies*

Sveta: He did it!

-later-

Sveta: I'm the queen of Belinsk, now get the hell out of here.

Eoleo: Well, I'll take Himi home and then go to Champa.

Reif: I'll keep traveling with this old man.

Matthew: ...

Amiti: I guess I'll just wander around aimlessly?

-Goma Plateau-

Karis: Awright, we're home!

Tyrell: Look! There's a giant Psyenergy Vortex in the sky and if I'm not mistaken, that was the reason we left home in the first place!

Karis: Actually, we went to get a feather from the Mountain Roc. The rest of this was just gravy.

Tyrell: Oh.

Karis: I guess they'll have to make a sequel?

Tyrell: Guess so.

Matthew: ...

Karis: Yeah I do hope the sequel has more of our parents in it.

Tyrell: They ARE immortal.

Karis: Oh well. THE END...?

Theresia

Far be it from me to say that people who like scaring the living crap out of themselves are crazy. Personally I don’t understand it. After all, there’s plenty of stuff that’s already really scary and they don’t need a video game written about them to make me fear them. For example, bees.

And fuck bees.

But hey, I can understand the need to feel a little scare every now and then. Life is mundane and a little horror goes a long way. That’s why video games like Silent Hill and Fatal Frame have the audiences that they do. But for every innovative horror game that comes out, there’s always seven that figure, “Hey, we don’t actually need to be scary to actually be a horror game!”

All of those games are probably weapons developed by fucking bees.

Today’s game is Theresia. It’s a mystery/horror/adventure-esque game that, in case you couldn’t figure it out, is not scary. Normally I’d start out by telling you what the story is, but I have no idea what the story is-- and I beat the game. Twice, because I had to replay it to talk to you guys about it!

Well, I’m sort of lying. See, I do know what the story is and it is an okay story, but... I mean, I didn't figure out the story from the game. I actually could not figure out the story until I sat down and did some research, and even then I can't say I figured all of it out. Ah, well. Here’s the beginning of the story for you.

You, as a young girl, wake up in a room on a cot. Try as you might, you can remember nothing about yourself or where you are. You must find your way out of this facility and to some other people! All you can really remember is a woman, a beautiful woman, with alabaster white skin, crimson lips, and long dark hair.

Yeah, sounds riveting to me too.

So there’s a lot of stuff that made this game into the crowning achievement of not scary that it is, but there is one major reason why this game flopped the way it did and one major reason why I think it shouldn’t have been made at all.

A reason that isn't bees, though.

The game originally was an episodic cellular phone based game. After all the parts for both of the stories (that’s right, this one game is split into two parts) were finally completed, I guess it turned out pretty popular so Aksys figured they’d make it into a DS game. Not a bad idea, but it was executed pretty badly.

“So who developed this game,” you ask. “Was it Aksys?”

Nope, good guess. Actually the developers are a Japanese company called WorkJam. WorkJam mostly seems to make mobile phone applications for Japanese model phones, but they also have made some pretty good console games. I’m actually a pretty big fan of their work. Now if you do know WorkJam, you probably know them from their console releases, namely the Tantei Jinguji Saburou series-- not to be confused with Tantei Jingūji Saburō, which is Detective Jake Hunter in English (also developed by WorkJam). Anyone into mysteries would love their work. Theresia is, I’m sure, a popular game of theirs. I’m just saying that this adaptation is lacking.

Alright, alright. I’ll stop meandering about the topic here. Of course you want to know about gameplay and all that jazz. Let’s start with the music. It’s terrible. Moving on.

You're supposed to be solving puzzles, but I'm pretty sure that's this game's excuse for why you just... wander through hallways aimlessly. I walk around in my everyday life, Aksys. This game about walking, that's pretty much been handled. I'm going to need more motivation to play this game. You know, like cutting edge graphics and beautiful scenery!

So... the graphics in the game are pretty standard bad 3D. It’s not so awful you have to drop the game and projectile vomit for about twenty minutes before playing again, but it’s also not super immersive. It reminds me of Wolfenstein 3D. You know, the one you played on floppy disks back in-- aw, damn, I just dated myself there. Theresia is grainy at its best and pixelated at its worst. I don’t want to tell you that you should just accept bad 3D on the DS, because... well, the DS does have the capability of making good looking 3D. In this game, you spend almost every moving moment in the midst of grainy 3D, which makes me wonder-- did Aksys just take the 3D from the phone application and put it into the game? The DS has more capability than a phone for 3D rendering, so why would they do that?

See how the left wall is pixelated? Isn't it weird when it's contrasted with the right wall? Then there's the ceiling and floor, which seem grainy to me.

One of the worst aspects of the game is the backdrops when you’re not in the overworld, if you could call it that. It’s not even that the backdrops are bad. The backdrops are actually really good! They’re just super dark and because of the size of the DS’ screens, it’s really, really hard to make out how good they really are. Some of the artwork that went into this game is amazing and I’m upset that there’s so much darkness in the game that you can’t really see how great it really is.

This is one of the brighter images, also the first one you run into in the game. It's good looking, right?

So if you’re anything like me, at this point you’re like, “Well, I need to actually see the phone application to know if they did anything to the graphics, otherwise I guess this is okay.” Well, enjoy this:

So they’re small, sorry. But I can’t download Japanese apps-- and even on my iPhone emulator I can’t really get good screenshot-- so let’s just go with these. The top one is a 3D scene like the first Theresia screenshot in this review and the second is a still screen like the second Theresia screenshot in this review. I know you can’t really tell, but the port to the DS was a downgrade.

Yeah. It’s a downgrade. I don’t get it! To be fair, the 3D probably looks better because my picture is small-- I tried to do a little more research and found out that there’s a lot of 3D screens in the game that look pretty much dead on like their counterparts in the DS version-- but given that we know that the DS has better capability than a phone for 3D, why would Aksys not update the graphics?

Most of the regular artwork is still really beautiful in either adaptation.

The storytelling in this game is so bad it should be put into a museum. Seriously though, what is with this disjointed storytelling in games that can’t utilize it? I promise you, you won’t be able to figure out a single thing in the game on your first playthrough. Or your second, or your third-- if you play that far. So if you don’t know what I mean by disjointed storyline, I’m talking about spreading out a story haphazardly through the game’s environment, usually in such a way that you have to pick up books or notes to determine the "truth". However there is an overarching storyline that gives you the most generic version of the plot ever. This kind of storytelling technique is better in games where the purpose is vague, like an MMO or... you know, a cellphone app. Theresia’s purpose isn’t vague (and it's not a cellphone app). In Theresia, you have two clear objectives: 1) Get out of this weird, half-collapsed facility. 2) Figure out what the heck is going on. This should be easier than taking candy from a baby.

Ah, well. I do know why the story’s so disjointed. It goes back to the episodic gameplay. Previously you could replay pieces of the game. So, for example, say you complete your game and you realize you don’t have all the information in the game. Then you could easily go back to a previous episode and find that information. When you port an episodic game directly to a full game, it’s harder to go back and forth. If the overworld connected you to every area within Theresia, that would be one thing. But this was a direct port, it seems, so instead of working with the entire area within the game, after you pass checkpoints, you can’t move back and forth to find out what you’ve missed. Oh and trust me, you’ll miss something.

“But... uh, you! That’s impossible. I’m the most through adventurer this side of the sun. I’ve never missed anything in any game!”

I don’t believe that, but if you’d like to put it to the test, then welcome to Theresia: The Game That Hates You. I promise you, no other game goes through so much trouble to make sure that you have absolutely no fun playing it at all. Theresia is like the reigning king of skullduggery-- the moment you think, “Oh, there’s no POSSIBLE way this could be booby trapped!” the game’s like, “LAWL, FUCKING BEES!”

Seriously though, fuck bees.

Everything is booby trapped. Books, chairs, those things you hang key rings on, doors, floors, gates, your face, your computer, your mom, your fingers, thinking, breathing, red, blue, Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, PSP Vita, Nintendo DS, Captain America-- Okay, so maybe I went off on a little tangent, but if you can dream it, it’s probably booby trapped. You have limited life, so after spending like twenty minutes getting shocked, shot with darts, or lit on fire you’ll probably stop playing the game.

“Boy howdy,” You say, “That sounds awesome!” To which I respond, where are you from, the 1950s? Boy howdy, really? Anyway, this is about as awesome as sticking thumbnails into your eyes. Or chewing through concrete. Or harvesting sweat off of a sweaty person to make a perfume that you have to wear on your very first date with a girl you’ve been pining after since the third grade. So is it awesome? No. No, it is not awesome. It is the opposite of awesome.

How about characters? Are the characters interesting? Nope. Well, yes (in that you do kind of want to learn what happened to them) and no, but for right now, no. The main female is kind of dreary and she gets on my nerves. I understand that she doesn’t know anything, but you’d think someone who knew nothing about anything going on around her would-- oh, I don’t know-- be a little more concerned that she’s alone in a facility where everything is out to kill her and she has no memory of getting there or if she’s being watched. Doesn’t that sound realistic? Prepare to be amazed at how little this girl cares.

She spends most, if not all, of her time speaking in ellipses. Like so: “I went... to the market. … … … … … It was a long trip... … … hampered by the FUCKING BEES” When she’s not speaking in ellipses, she’s talking about blood, the woman in her dreams, or flowers. That’s. It. It’s not compelling story telling, in fact it’s actually quite weak. But she can’t tell you the story, remember? She has no knowledge of anything. That’s actually one of the stronger points of this game-- she is consistent. Sure, her dialogue is stilted and unrealistic, but they made her out to be an amnesiac, and for the duration of the game she is exactly that.

But hey. I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering if I actually like anything about this game (I can sense your thoughts by looking into the screen of my 3DS and chanting ancient ritualistic curses). I guess that’s a valid question. What do I like about this game?

Well, I don’t much like the music or the sound effects, but like I said, I like the static backdrops when they’re bright enough to be seen. There are red bugs that show up halfway through the game that are interesting and they’re accompanied by the only creepy sound effect. I like some of the puzzles, which I barely mentioned in the review because if you reach the puzzles, that probably means you probably just picked up the game after three months of not playing it. The ending is particularly good in my opinion, but again, to play up until that point requires a special type of gamer. Not a nerd... just someone who enjoys waterboarding and eating vomit.

Is this game bad? Well... yeah. Yeah, it kind of is. In fact, can I just say that I feel cheated out of my money for buying it? The strange thing is that I can see how it would work in episodes-- it would have been better to keep it as an episodic game rather than doing what Aksys did. As an episodic game, I think I might’ve enjoyed this a lot more. It probably would’ve made more sense. The booby traps wouldn’t have bothered me less, but at least I could reach the end of a part and felt like I accomplished something.

I guess in the end it has to be up to you. Do you find it interesting based on what I've said? Are you that waterboarding vomit eater who's been waiting for a game to show up and give you all of the fun with none of the mess? Then, surprise, Aksys literally only thought about you when they made this game. That's a pretty small demographic you went for there, Aksys. Oh wait, I forgot. THIS GAME WAS MADE BY FUCKING BEES.

Wait, it was YOU GUYS?!